After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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