i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
