You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
