the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
