I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
