I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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