I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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