I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
