that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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