why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
As shirtless as possible
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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