You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
