I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
