you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
