all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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