So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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