I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There's always time for handjobs
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
