i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
