He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
