just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
