i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
