So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
