how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
