When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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