If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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