I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
where are my eyebrows?
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