Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
