I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize