Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
