u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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