I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
