did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
