Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
