I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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