why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
