my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
