if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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