When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
