I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
