a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my phone needs a breathalizer
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
