i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
