How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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