This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
