Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
barbara walters just said penis...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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