planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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