Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My pussy is not your playground.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
