i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
