Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
