Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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