I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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