just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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