it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
