so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
