I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
