We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
