i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
