Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
