you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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