: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
