wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
