He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
