i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
