i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize