eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
