I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
