I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You pole danced in your parka.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
