He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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