his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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