I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
