I was born with a shot glass in my hand
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize