i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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