my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
