saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
