My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
