what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
