I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dick very happy bro
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
