I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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