The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
