Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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