just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
