I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
