Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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