the condom got lost in my hair
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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