I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
